The Film Father - Making an Offer You Can’t Review

  Starring : Dakota Johnson, Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced, Adam Scott Directed By : S.J. Clarkson Where It’s Available? : Crave in Canada, Netflix in the US and other territories. Okay. I’ll get this out of the way straight off the bat - So this film is… a mess. That’s probably not a surprise to those of you who are reading this. But what really shocked me is the level of nonsensical batshittiness that permeates it. This isn’t a fault with the direction, exactly - some of the action sequences and special FX look pretty cool, actually. But the script and some of the post-production decisions are utterly baffling. If you’re hoping to spend five minutes reading as I break down in great detail the nuances and twists of the deep and thoughtful plot of ‘Madame Web’, let me stop you right there. This ain’t that. But if you want to hear me drag a film for some of the most absolutely absurd and asinine dialogue and decisions I’ve heard in a film this decade? Then read on. High level - thi...

Starring : Ryan Reynolds, Hugh Jackman, Emma Corrin, Matthew McFayden and a bunch more you’re probably best to not know about until you see them for yourself. Directed by : Shawn Levy Where It’s Available : Movie theatres! (I actually went to one. I’m as shocked as you are) Also Disney Plus around November or so I guess? Well, it’s happened. The Merc with a Mouth dropped over 100 f-bombs paid for by the Mouse House. The film is big, bombastic and chockful of cameos, in-jokes and meta-narrative and it’s backed by one of the most eclectic soundtracks you’ll ever see. And it fucking ruled. Deadpool & Wolverine opens with Deadpool visiting Logan’s grave from.. well.. ‘Logan’ (spoilers for a 7 year old comic book movie classic, sorrynotsorry). Some.. things happen and then Deadpool finds himself engaged in an adventure across the multiverse. Honestly, talking about the plot is effectively impossible because half the fun is seeing who shows up and what happens. Suffice it to say that - a...

Starring : Jake Gyllenhall, Daniela Melchior, Conor McGregor (!), Post Malone (!!) Directed by Doug Liman  Where It’s Available : Amazon Prime It takes a lot for a movie to surprise me nowadays. I’m not talking about plot twists or swerves, I mean more in the “Wow, this movie was shockingly (good/bad) and I wasn’t expecting it.” It pleases me to say that Doug Liman’s remake of Roadhouse starring a very likeable (and *hot*, my god - he’s got more abs than Finn Balor - wrestling reference. Use the Google and you’ll see what I mean) Jake Gyllenhall surprised me in the best possible way. Now let me get this out of the way - is the film ‘good’? Well…it’s competently made. Gyllenhall smiles at the camera with just enough charm. Conor McGregor is… well, he’s terrible, but he is terrible with an effusive charm that’s forgivable. I think calling it ‘middling’ would be fair as far as technical showpieces. BUT, is the movie *entertaining*? As someone who appreciates goofy B-movies (and the P...

Starring : Chris Pratt, Charlie Day, Anya Taylor-Joy, Jack Black, Keegan Michael-Key, et al Directed : Aaron Horvath and Michael Jelenic Where It’s Available : Amazon Prime in Canada, Netflix in the US Nostalgia is a hell of a drug. My partner would swear that the original 1993 magnum opus, Super Mario Bros. Movie starring Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo is the best video game movie ever made. … she’s *wrong*, of course. But it’s a bold take. As we get older, we remember things from our childhood much more brighter than perhaps we should (I’m not here to judge as I can be as guilty as anyone - more than half of my favourite films came out before the turn of the century). The Illumination films ‘Super Mario Bros.’ animated film weaponizes that nostalgia in a crass, oddly-cynical way. The result is a film that is… fine, but as instantly forgettable as it is empty and soulless. It was a film that was designed to make money, which is fair - and it obviously did just that with >$550 M dom...

  Starring : Melissa Barrera, Jenna Ortega, Hayden Panettiere, Courtney Cox et. Al Directed by Matt Bellini-Olpin and Tyler Gillett Where It’s Available : Netflix in Canada, Paramount+ in the US Perhaps one of the nicest surprises of ‘post’-pandemic movies was the 2022 self-proclaimed ‘Requel’, Scream 5. It took us back to Woodsboro, introduced a new cast of characters and sprinkled in a lot of nostalgia with some smart screenwriting that really played with the expectations of the crowd while building a new crew that could effectively ‘reboot’ the franchise (while maintaining the previous lore).  I enjoyed it way more than I expected to, so when I was cruising Netflix last Saturday and saw that the latest feature, Scream 6 (Jesus - they’ve been making these movies for 28 years now) was available I jumped at the opportunity to watch. And for the most part, I was pretty happy with this decision. The sequel to the ‘requel’ (a clever portmanteau that implies a reboot/sequel - som...

Hello Internet! I’ve been a father to a wonderful, bright, goofy little neurospicy ball of joy for 52 months now and it’s been… a ride. He was born two months before the world ended (member those days?) but while I assume his newborn/toddler years have been slightly abnormal, I have literally no frame of reference for what would constitute ‘normal’ (which is .. good, in a way..? I guess..?). It’s been a trip, personally, though. One thing they never tell you about fatherhood is how much *time* it takes. Thinking about it logically, I mean, sure - all of a sudden you’re responsible for a literal Human Life other than your own. You help it grow, nurture it, sustain it. This takes love. This takes energy. But more than anything it takes *time*. In The Beforetimes (ie. BD - ‘Before Dude’) I would go to 30-40 movies per year. I’ve gone to see five total in theatre since his birth. Sure, a deadly global pandemic plays into that a teeny bit, but it’s really a case of time management. When you...