Madame Web (2024)

 

Starring: Dakota Johnson, Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced, Adam Scott

Directed By: S.J. Clarkson

Where It’s Available?: Crave in Canada, Netflix in the US and other territories.

Okay. I’ll get this out of the way straight off the bat - So this film is… a mess. That’s probably not a surprise to those of you who are reading this. But what really shocked me is the level of nonsensical batshittiness that permeates it. This isn’t a fault with the direction, exactly - some of the action sequences and special FX look pretty cool, actually. But the script and some of the post-production decisions are utterly baffling. If you’re hoping to spend five minutes reading as I break down in great detail the nuances and twists of the deep and thoughtful plot of ‘Madame Web’, let me stop you right there. This ain’t that. But if you want to hear me drag a film for some of the most absolutely absurd and asinine dialogue and decisions I’ve heard in a film this decade? Then read on.

High level - this is a ‘Spider-Man’… side story / prequel I guess? It takes place in New York in 2003. Spider-Man hasn’t been born yet (well, at least not the Tom Holland Spidey, at any rate - Maguire’s Spidey beat the snot out of Green Goblin a year earlier… multiverses! Anyway). The film actually opens in 1973 with a pregnant woman investigating Spiders in the Amazon. Shit happens - she gets shot, then this group of… spider-men (..?) save her, have a magic spider bite her, saving the baby but she dies shortly after giving birth. Now fast forward to 2003 - The Girl Who Lived is an antisocial Paramedic in New York named Cassandra Webb. Shes very uncomfortable helping people, though she appears to be quite good at it. Enter Adam Scott as her partner - Ben Parker (natch). A very kind, likeable, bloke with words of wisdom and guidance. When Cassie almost dies on a job, she has her Superhero Awakening and finds out she can see the future. This leads to her having to save the lives of three future Spider-Women (who apparently are going to murk a bad guy who was the dude who shot Cassie’s mom in the opening). You following so far?

A bunch of shit happens, I don’t want to get too far into it. Cassie eventually saves the day using future Deja vu magic and everyone lives happily ever after. The end. Instead I want to take a second to illustrate some of the … choices the team made with this film (and the screenplay in particular).

Point 1: So this film takes place in New York, two years after 9/11. At one point Cassie steals a taxi (because reasons). She then proceeds to drive that stolen taxi for the better part of … like a week I guess? INCLUDING PARKING IT IN LONG TERM PARKING AT AN AIRPORT WHILE SHE FLIES TO PERU (again - for reasons). She gets off the plane back in the Big Apple AND JUST GOES BACK TO DRIVING THE STOLEN CAB.

Point 2: The main villain is more wooden than Pinocchio. His line delivery is completely monotone, but even worse - for reasons I can only assume have to do with issues with his accent, perhaps? - *every* line he says in the ENTIRE film is quite obviously done with ADR. Sometimes the lipsyncing doesn’t even match. THE SHOOTING BUDGET FOR THIS MOVIE WAS A HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS.

Point 3: The dialogue is so laughably bad you almost have to wonder if this whole thing was intended as a put-on from the get-go. Or maybe they hired Tommy Wiseau as a script consultant, I don’t know. At one point, villain dude grabs a person by the wrist and starts applying… like.. spider venom I guess? The victim looks at him, eyes wide and asks, “HOW.. ARE YOU POISONING ME?” Like… *those* are the words you’re going to choose in that situation? A guy grabs your wrist, you feel like you're becoming paralyzed and you ask how he’s POISONING YOU? 

The Good: Adam Scott is great. He’s Adam Scott. Dude instantly lifts anything he’s in. As Spider-Man’s uncle-to-be he has the right note of ‘wisened, thoughtful man’ yet he’s still got an air of youthful vulnerability and uncertainty here. A good choice. It’s too bad the rest of this film is such an unconscionable train wreck that we’ll never get to see him do anything else with the role.

The Bad: Dakota Johnson is.. not a good actress, I think. Like I’ve seen ‘50 Shades of Grey’ (don’t ask) and I was inclined to give her a pass there because the source material wasn’t exactly… uhh… elevating. But here she makes a drab, “I don’t give a fuck” one-note intonation into a character-trait in the worst possible way. There is a thin line sometimes between a reluctant heroine and an un-likeable one. Cassie is definitely the latter. A superhero movie can not work on any level if you don’t give a shit about the ‘hero’. 

The Ugly: Sony’s financials after spending about a quarter of a billion dollars (all-in) on this piece of dog crap.

Is It Kid-Friendly?: I mean… I guess? If you really hate your children? There’s a bare minimum of blood. Cassie says ‘shit’ a couple of times. This is the dictionary definition of a PG-13 movie.

The Verdict: There’s a point in the film where the villain throws his flashy Corvette into reverse for no reason whatsoever (there’s nobody in front of him - the road is completely clear) then he shoves it into drive and slams on the gas to burn out completely without purpose. That one five second shot can stand as an allegory for this entire film. 3.5/10