Super Mario Bros. (2023)

Starring: Chris Pratt, Charlie Day, Anya Taylor-Joy, Jack Black, Keegan Michael-Key, et al

Directed: Aaron Horvath and Michael Jelenic

Where It’s Available: Amazon Prime in Canada, Netflix in the US

Nostalgia is a hell of a drug. My partner would swear that the original 1993 magnum opus, Super Mario Bros. Movie starring Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo is the best video game movie ever made. … she’s *wrong*, of course. But it’s a bold take.

As we get older, we remember things from our childhood much more brighter than perhaps we should (I’m not here to judge as I can be as guilty as anyone - more than half of my favourite films came out before the turn of the century). The Illumination films ‘Super Mario Bros.’ animated film weaponizes that nostalgia in a crass, oddly-cynical way. The result is a film that is… fine, but as instantly forgettable as it is empty and soulless. It was a film that was designed to make money, which is fair - and it obviously did just that with >$550 M domestic and >$1 billion worldwide. I just can’t help but watch this and feel that this - admittedly gorgeous, 3D-animated feature - was simply spit out by a gang of a thousand monkeys blindly typing at typewriters (while shoehorning every single Mario reference you can shake a stick at).

The film opens with our heroes, Mario and Luigi, watching a commercial they filmed (which is itself a reference to the 1980s-era ‘Super Mario Bros Super Show’, which is obviously laser targeted at my age group) as they decide to break out on their own as a plumbing team. Their family (which includes their dad - the voice of Mario himself, Charles Martinet, in a nice casting nod) wonders aloud why they feel they need to become plumbers. This… doesn’t make a lot of sense to me? Tradespeople make decent livings and are generally respected within the community. This isn’t like Mario is quitting his job as a lawyer to front his Led Zeppelin tribute band full-time. But anyway. That drama is almost instantly forgotten as the brothers make their way downtown to try and stop a massive flood or something and anyway they end up in the mushroom kingdom.

Upon arrival in the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario and Luigi are separated  - Luigi is quickly captured by Bowser, Mario meets brave Toad (Keegan Michael-Key, being much more earnest than the role calls for) and Princess Peach (Anya Taylor-Joy, who you can almost see racing to the bank to cash the cheque). Mario becomes a hero by eating mushrooms (and, in one of the film’s better gags runs an obstacle course right out of Super Mario Maker). The trio take a trip to Kong Land where they meet cranky King Cranky Kong (Fred Armisen) and his son, Donkey Kong (Seth Rogen in perhaps the most Seth Rogen role ever - honestly, you expect DK to speak up a joint at some point).

If it seems like I’m glossing over a lot of this, it’s because I am - truthfully, there’s not much here. The entire plot seems hollow and pretty empty and just serves as an excuse to hammer us with sight gags, nostalgia trips and refrains of “oh shit, remember the world 8 theme song? Wasn’t that rad? Here you go!”

One bright spot is Jack Black’s Bowser, whose grand plan doesn’t involve kidnapping the princess for a change - this time he’s straight up asking her to marry him. He leans hard into the role (you may know that he was nominated for an Oscar for the song ‘Peaches’ - and that it’s fully deserved if we’re being honest) and seems like he’s having a grand time (as opposed to the vast majority of the cast who seem like they’re just cashing cheques).

The Good: Jack Black absolutely rocks. He leans so hard into Bowser that if a new Paper Mario is announced for the new Switch and they ‘don’t’ get him to play the voice, I’ll be sorely disappointed. Seth Rogen’s Frat-Bro Donkey Kong is surprisingly enjoyable. The music is fantastic. - wonderful remixes of classic Super Mario chiptunes redone with the full orchestral treatment.  The film is absolutely gorgeous to look at. Some of the gags are legitimately clever (the Toads riff on the Princess being in another castle and I chuckled). Charles Martinet does a ‘wahoo!’ at the end.

The Bad: Too many big-name voice actors cashing cheques. At 95 minutes it *still* seems like they could have trimmed 15 minutes off the runtime. No ‘Mallow’ - Super Mario RPG fans are left in the cold yet again.

The Ugly: The story is hollow and exists merely to show some various sight gags and (admittedly gorgeous) scenery. The challenge of making a game series whose primary entries are effectively devoid of stories into a movie is that films require characters with at least some semblance of depth. Mario and Luigi are ‘Brooklyn Plumbers’. Thats it. Nothing happens. Luigi *almost* gets a character arc, but they either forget about it or just flub the landing (depending on how you choose to look at it). The Princess has what appears to be an interesting backstory - but when Mario flat out asks her about it the answer we’re given is “well I’ll never know!” and then it’s dropped like a sack of potatoes. I don’t know if this is Nintendo keeping their hands all over the production (probably, if we’re being honest) but the writers have all sorts of places they COULD go, but instead played it incredibly safe and drab. 

Is It Safe For Kids: Oh hell yes. As I’ve mentioned *numerous* times, the film is stunning - not a single cuss word (which, given the main characters are plumbers from New York might be the least realistic thing in the entire film). This is a grade-A Family Film.

The Verdict: If it seems like I’ve been dumping on this a bit, I don’t want to mince words here. This film is Capital-F ‘fine’. This isn’t some Uwe Boll video game adaptation. The movie is perfectly cromulent - there are FAR worse ways to spend an hour and a half of your time. If I’m critical it’s because I know there’s more to give here. As one of The Olds, I remember the writing on the Mario RPGs being ‘fantastic’. Clever, witty and funny and with character development for days. There is room for story within these characters and this world. Maybe now that they’ve played it safe and cashed their $1.2 billion cheque, Nintendo is more inclined to take the training wheels off for the sequels. I’d definitely be here for that film. 5.5/10.